she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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