nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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