JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize