if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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