My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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