If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
