come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
