my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize