I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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