Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
