I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
