Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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