What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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