You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
