my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
