I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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