The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
