I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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