Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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