god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
