Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
