I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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