who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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