The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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