I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there was a trapeze. enough said
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
