dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
