So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize