Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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