So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
