Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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