How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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