She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
