Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
