I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
