yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
im six kinds of drunk right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How does one acquire holy water?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
