The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
