you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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