Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
