people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize