turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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