dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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