My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
