so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
