She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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