found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
