Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize