i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
