Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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