I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
