It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
