Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
