i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
