Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
