70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
