I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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