So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
