Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
