I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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